


Not Quite A Princess And A Pea

by shefrommo



Series: I'm no longer in Creative Writing classes, so I can post these now [9]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Chai is a guy mistaken for a girl, Forthwright is an agent of chaos, Fractured Fairy Tale, Gen, Hopefully the only love dodecahedron I ever write, I did not remember this having so much incestual subtext, I haven't read this in so long I forgot how terrible it is, My writing has improved so much over the years, One of my older and cringier stories, Originally written 12/20/16, Written for Creative Writing class, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24905176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shefrommo/pseuds/shefrommo
Summary: Prince Arctis' well-meaning aunt and uncle have arranged for there to be a princess trial to find the best possible bride for him. Lord Chai just wants to piggyback off the results to find his cousin a bride. The visiting princess Raya wants to marry Arctis, Arctis' cousin Giana wants to marry Prince Antioch, and the assassin Forthwright is only in town because his apprentice won't stop bothering him. Misunderstandings abound.
Relationships: Antioch & Arctis, Antioch & Forthwright, Arctis/Chai (unrequited), Chai/Giana (unrequited), Giana/Antioch (unrequited), Raya/Arctis (unrequited)
Series: I'm no longer in Creative Writing classes, so I can post these now [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800808





	Not Quite A Princess And A Pea

**Author's Note:**

> This is so old and painful to read that I'm almost not sure I want anyone to read it. But I was proud of it once, so here it is. Enjoy!

Prince Arctis glowered at the table in front of him, cursing his status of prince as he listened to his cousin, Giana, babble about her beloved Prince Antioch.

Not for the first time, Arctis wished he had gone with his older twin when Antioch had run off with that assassin, Forthwright. At least he would’ve had some respite from Lady Giana’s blathering then.

“Dear Arctis,” His aunt, the Grand duchess Aliya, simpered. “Are you all right? You look rather…ill as of the moment.”

“My dear, I believe our nephew is only longing for a wife as kind as his brother’s.” Archduke Hamison rumbled at his paper thin wife who was beaming proudly at their daughter.

Arctis opened his mouth to say something, perhaps: no, he wasn’t pining for a woman or no, their daughter was not kind; why did they think that Antioch and Forthwright kept dumping the plump, spoiled girl back at the castle? But his aunt beat him to the punch.

“Why, yes! Arctis, you will soon be crowned king, and no king has ever gone without a queen. As your regent, until coronation it is our job to do your poor deceased parent’s – oh bless the souls of my brother and his wife – job! We must, Hamison dear, hold a ball to find our dearest nephew a wife!” the Grand duchess exclaimed.

“Why settle for a ball my dear? That is so…common! No, we are royalty. We are of the noble kingdom of Archaia! We will hold not a ball like where King Charming and his servant wife met, but a competition to weed out the fake princesses!” Archduke Hamison declared to his wife and daughter’s delight and his nephew’s horror.

***

Lord Chai d’u Yokona, nephew, servant, and ambassador for the Yokonan Emperor, mused on his newest assignment. The Archaian royal family was holding a social gathering while the prince decided on a bride. Chai’s duty was to establish pleasant relations with the neighboring kingdom, and if at all possible, bring home one of the princesses as a bride for Lon-yin, the heir of the Yokonan Empire. Less officially, he was to drag the black sheep of the Yokonan royal family back to the Empire.

Chai knew the black sheep had taken on the disowned Prince Antioch as a student and that the once crown prince was fond of his younger twin. Chai hoped that along with finding a bride for his cousin, Lon-yin, and establishing good foreign relations, he could use the bride competition to drag the black sheep home.

The dignitary nodded to himself and finished placing the clips into the traditional long braid worn by Yokonan nobility. As he straightened his ceremonial robes, he called for one of the servants to saddle his horse.

***

Arctis bit back a sorrowful sigh as he listened to Princess Something-or-Other’s speech. He dearly wished he could escape the gala and go find his brother, but he was afraid of what he would find Antioch and Forthwright doing together in whatever secluded, out of the way room they picked. What if they were practicing throwing daggers? He didn’t want to get in the way. His brother had always had horrible aim, and Antioch would probably hit him. Besides he might lead Giana to them, and that was a fate he wouldn’t wish on anybody.

A hush swept through the gala, and Arctis looked up. A beautiful lady had swept through the front doors, and Arctis nearly wet himself from the horror of it all. Princess Raya had arrived. Everybody knew the tale of Princess Raya. An evil fairy had cursed her mother to prick her finger and fall asleep forever until her true love’s kiss awoke her. Queen Aurora, more commonly known as Sleeping Beauty, had been pricked and then awoken by King Philip’s kiss only to die tragically in child birth barely a year after their wedding. King Philip, unable to stand the sight of his true love’s near perfect infantile copy, named his newborn daughter Raya-Light – as his wife had bid him – and sent her away to live with the fairies that had raised Queen Aurora. The grieving king had then married Ivory, the snow white princess of the Appletox kingdom and allegedly the illegitimate daughter of King Eric and a siren.

While her mother may have grown up humble in her woodland cottage, Raya had gone from servitude in ragged dresses to dripping in jewels and gems, waited on hand and foot by servants and having her every desire fulfilled by her permissive stepmother and a father desperate to make up for his previous failings. She had become legendary for her spoiled witchlike attitude in weeks.

As he gazed at her, Arctis found himself wanting to cry. Why oh why did his aunt and uncle have to invite the only princess in the land that was more stuck up than his cousin, Giana? It was just his luck too that she immediately descended upon him and shoved out her hand for him to kiss. Arctis had the sudden horrible urge to spit on it.

“Hello, Princess Raya. A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” He said stiffly as he took it and resigned himself to a night of agony.

***

Chai peered around thoughtfully. He had seen many beautiful women around, all resplendent in their elaborate gowns. Yet at the moment he had no desire to look for Lon-yin’s bride among them. As a foreign ambassador, he must speak to the Regent-King and Regent-Queen about his intentions. Aside from a brief remark he’d overheard about four tests, he’d seen and heard nothing of them.

Finally Chai decided that they’d left the ballroom, and so he left it as well. It was only after walking down several corridors, each more devoid of life and servants to interrogate than the last, that Chai admitted that he was hopelessly lost within the maze of the Archaian palace.

“This,” Chai said to himself dryly, “must be what it feels like to lose your way in the labyrinth-like corridors of the hallowed Archaian Archives. The rumors of them having entire clans founded and up kept for the sole purpose of guides must be true, if the building a fraction of the Archive’s size and complexity is this confusing!”

Finally, he paused. He could faintly hear voices talking. Then came a loud thump as something collided heavily with the ground. Relieved at the first sign of life he’d seen in ages, Chai crept towards the room the noises were originating from, careful to keep his footsteps quiet enough that he could still hear the voices over them.

When he arrived at the door and threw it open he came across the most unexpected scene. Forthwright, the black sheep, was sitting atop the runaway Prince Antioch’s waist, his face set in an irritated scowl. Both snapped up in alarm as Chai gaped at them.  
“You…Lo –” Before Chai could start his rant of reprimands (copyrighted 1954), Forthwright jumped to his feet and dove to the other side of the bed and out of view.

Antioch moved to do the same, but Chai grabbed ahold of him before he could make his getaway. “Look here! What were you two doing and where did he go?!” Chai demanded as Antioch looked guiltily away.

“We came to see my brother, and you walked in on us finding out that I am sadly no good at bar brawling. We have been trying for hours, and I have yet to flip him over my shoulder. I fear I will never best him in feats of physical marvels,” Antioch bemoaned then peered over Chai’s shoulder and paled in horror.

Chai turned to look and unintentionally let go of Antioch as he beheld the slightly overweight yet still breathtaking Lady Giana. She looked angry.

Antioch screamed like a terrified rabbit and dove to the other side of the bed shrieking “Down the rabbit hole I go!” as he did so.

Giana screamed as well but out of wrath at what she interpreted as some foreign bimbo attempting to kiss her beloved fiancé. Chai had barely any time to process the fact that the rapturous goddess in front of him was storming forwards before a meaty paw slapped his cheek. He was unceremoniously booted from the room, an infuriated bellow of “Go woo the crown prince, you flirtatious floozy!” following him out.

***

“In order to determine the best bride for our nephew, we have devised some tests. The first will be a poem. A true princess will be eloquent, well-spoken, and graceful in her verbiage! The test will be to write a beautiful, magnificent, astounding poem! It can be about anything or anyone. You will recite them alone in the throne room for the Regents. You have until the end of the ball to compose your poem. If you are rejected, we will pack you a meal and send you home before dinner.” The scribe reading the Royal Missive paused to breathe, and then continued on. “If you will turn your attention to the banquet table, we have procured the finest swan feather quills, Berwald Blackenberry’s ink and Kemet’s Crème Parchment upon which to inscribe your thoughts. You may begin now, and may the true princess competition be won by the best!” The scribe bowed to the assembled royalty and left.

Arctis was about to follow him out when he caught sight of the most beautiful woman of them all. He halted, astounded by the sight of what could only be the fae queen in human form. What else could she be, with her long dark hair in a simple braid with no more decoration than a few clips? What else could she be, dressed in strange, folded robes decorated with faint patterns of sunlit leaves?

All the other princesses adorned their hair with clips, ribbons, flowers, and bejeweled tiaras. Their hair was placed only in braids if it was part of some more complex arrangement – never just a plain braid. Their hour glass figures were clad in corsets and petticoats glimmering with countless jewels and embroidered with golden swirls. The fae’s folded simplistic robes, which gave nothing of her undoubtedly divine figure away, were unlike anything Arctis had ever seen.

Then the lady turned, and Arctis internally melted at the sight of chocolate covered caramel eyes. They glowed at the sight of him, and perfect lips curved into a pleased smile. By the time the foreign angel reached him, Arctis was convinced he’d met his true love.

“Excuse me, Prince Arctic…” Oh, the angel was speaking to him! Her voice was deeper than he expected, but no less incredible. Arctis could stand there and listen all day long. But wait! There came the horrid Princess Raya – and it looked as though she wanted to talk to him.

Frantically, Arctis turned to the maiden in front of him. “I apologize for interrupting you, but I must go now – and you ought to write your poem. Anyone not living here, be they the royal family or our servants, must compete in the princess tests. And if you’re caught not writing, you will be kicked out, no questions asked. I apologize again, for I haven’t caught your name. What was it again?”

The maiden frowned in confusion, but answered his request. “You’re excused, and my name is Chai, L—” Before the princes – her name was undoubtedly a play on the fae she so resembled – could finish, Raya’s voice rang out.

“Prince Arctis! Hold a moment, I must speak to you!” Arctis paled, made his excuses, and fled before he would be forced into another horrid conversation. He hoped Chai would win, and he hurried off to tell his aunt and uncle about his true love.

***

Chai shifted uncomfortably as he gazed at his poem but calmed himself. Once he recited his poem, he would speak to the Regent-King and Regent-Queen about his intentions. Perhaps then he could look for the wonderful goddess that had thrown him from the suite the runaway prince and the black sheep had claimed.

Taking a breath, he stepped into the throne room and lifted his poem to gaze at it.

“Sweeping curves of mountains yonder.  
sprawling under starlit skies,  
ablaze with autumn’s fire,  
the beholder must wonder what there lies.”

At the polite applause, Chai smiled broadly and stepped forward once more, intending to ask about his role in the competition when they spoke.

“Wonderful! But I’m afraid time grows short and we must see to the needs of the other candidates. Please, move to the dining room. Dinner will be served shortly,” Regent-King Hamison thundered, gesturing for him to leave.

Disappointed, Chai bowed politely and left, not noticing the puzzled looks the Regents shared at the masculine sign of deference.

***

Arctis resisted the urge to fidget as he scanned the newcomers for his marvelous Lady Chai. Of more than a hundred and twenty candidates, perhaps ninety had survived the first test, and Arctis’ heart stopped then restarted at twice the pace. His angel had arrived! Arctis could have wept in joy at that realization had it not been tempered by the fact that Giana was sitting to his left and Raya to his right. Even still he watched adoringly as the divine contestant’s eyes lit with love and glee as she gazed in their direction.

Arctis repressed a loving sigh as he watched a jealous frown slip over his true love’s face. He struggled to hold back the second sadder expression as he watched her turn away and sit with the other, plainer princesses.

He was just beginning to contemplate the parallels between this minor rejection from the fair Lady Chai and being forsaken by a beloved goddess. He comforted himself with the knowledge that the fairest of them all was jealous that her spot was being taken by Raya when his aunt and uncle arrived and called for the start of the meal.

The groom-to-be straightened in his seat and watched hungrily as the salads were carried in. The second test was to be executed during the dinner succeeding the ball. Only the Archaian royal family and the assassin – who undoubtedly had been informed – knew of the plan. 

The competing princesses would be given a salad. It was a simple salad without any dressing on it. Its only defining feature would be the test dictated – a single fragment of uncooked noodle. If the poem test displayed eloquence, then the dinner test would reveal a detail-oriented mind. Only a princess with all the micro-management skills a queen needed when planning events would spot the noodle and pass the test.

Arctis numbly lifted his hand to his mouth and chewed on his salad greens dully, waiting for any sign that the wondrous princess had noticed the single flaw in the otherwise perfect appetizer. To his dismay, Lady Chai showed no sign of realizing something was wrong. The only hope he could see for her was that the servant paused for a few moments longer while collecting her plate. Heartbroken, Arctis continued his meal.

***

As Chai unwound his braid and began brushing it out, he fretted over the lack of communication between him and the Regent couple. Finally, when he finished attending to his hair and lay in his bed, he decided to leave a letter in the morning for the servants to take to them.

His decision made, Chai’s mind slipped to other matters. The dinner he’d attended was pleasant. He had even gotten to see and learn the name of the gorgeous Lady Giana. Unfortunately, she had been seated by Prince Arctis in what Chai knew was a position of honor. He despaired at being unable to deliver her to Lonyin as a bride. He would’ve liked to marry her himself. Even though he was nephew to the Emperor, he was still too lowly a noble to marry such a divine creature. The closest he could get to such a blessed union would be overseeing Lady Giana and Lonyin’s marriage and watching from afar on the few occasions that the Empress would be in the room in which foreign affairs decisions were orchestrated. If she and the Prince married however…

Sighing miserably at the direction his thoughts had wandered, Chai rolled over and tried to focus on the good things. He knew that Lady Giana was mildly plump, and most men disliked overweight women. Hopefully Prince Arctis would be one of those bigoted males, and he could present her to his cousin. Lonyin had never displayed any particular like or dislike for plump women, although he had also never displayed any kind of interest in women or men…or anything.

Chai winced and tried to divert his thoughts from how court servants whispered that his cousin cared for absolutely nothing and how the Emperor’s dynasty would end with him. Chai turned his attention to pleasant yet puzzling thoughts of the fare he’d eaten. The meal had been splendid, although the lack of cuisine hailing from other kingdoms had been disappointing. In addition, there had been a small noodle in his salad. While Chai had been unwilling to make a scene of it, preferring to avoid eating it then alerting the servant to it as he took his plate. Chai found it odd that an uncooked noodle had been present in a meal devoid of pasta.

He sighed and allowed his eyes to slip shut in sleep…only for them to fly open hours later as a servant rushed in to inform him that the next test was about to begin. He was to dress quickly – in horse riding clothes.

In his haste to get ready and leave, Chai completely forgot to write the letter to the Regents.

***

Arctis moped as he loitered by the start of the track. He had yet to see his wondrous Lady Chai. Finally, he could loiter no longer and left for the finish line. This test was a test of poise. The sixty-odd princesses would ride a horse over difficult terrain. The least frazzled looking and acting princesses at the end would move on to the final test.

As he mused and chewed absently on the hors d’oeuvres provided, he mourned for his lost true love. Then Arctis jolted upright in shock as a beautiful, graceful angel effortlessly cantered her delicate grey mare into the clearing and fluidly slowed to a trot. His heart beat faster as he recognized the simple braid and plain robes. Lady Chai had passed the first three tests after all! He turned quickly to hide his relieved tears and nearly choked himself on the cup of celebratory punch he had gulped.

The few princesses present peered at him in concern and tittered to themselves at his bizarre behavior. Lady Chai glanced about, caught sight of him and turned away as though hurt.

Arctis felt his chest ache, not listening as Raya confidently rode her feisty bay gelding up to him, gracefully dismounted, and began fussing over him. Why had his true love spurned him? What crime had he committed to lose the favor of his angel? Desperate for an answer, Arctic wracked his memory. At last, he came upon the memory of the night before, when he had sat beside Raya. Did his angel think, perhaps that he favored the haughty Raya? Was that the cause of her pain? Oh how he wished to run to his goddess’s side and comfort her, but sadly he figured he must stay away. He could not worship her as he pleased until they were wed, for being alone with a nonfamily member of the opposite sex was socially inappropriate.

Pained, Arctis gazed longingly at his angel, hardly noticing as they retreated back to the castle that all but fifteen of the princesses had been dismissed. He had eyes only for Lady Chai, and Raya’s reedy voice chattering away went in one ear and out the other.

***

Chai clucked disapprovingly to himself as he brushed the dust and horsehair still lingering on his robes from the long horseback ride earlier in the day. From what he had gathered, the noodle in the salad had been a second test, and the arduous trail ride was the third trial. After both events, the number of competitors had significantly decreased.

It was …. a concern, though, that he had passed the first three tests. Briefly, Chai lamented that his ambassador skills and a childhood spent picking bugs and mud from his hair had enabled him to successfully pass the princess tests.

Allowing his long hair to drop from his hand, Chai sighed and stepped into his bath. At least dinner and the castle tour after the horse trial had been pleasant. However, it was rather disappointing that they had been made to wait so long before being allowed to bathe and clean the grime of the cross country trek from their bodies. Chai hated the feeling of dust caked on his skin.

After scrubbing himself down, the Yokonan ambassador stepped out of the water and slid into a silken nightgown. He walked into his bedchamber, briefly pausing to call for one of the servants to dispose of the dirty water. Then he stopped short, gaping in disbelief.

“What in the…?” Chai breathed, staring disbelievingly at the obelisk of mattresses in the center of his room. He tried counting them all, but gave up after he lost count at around thirty. Hearing shuffling in the bathing chamber, Chai whirled around and stormed inside. The servants draining the water flinched in shock and stared as Chai began his tirade.

“What is the meaning of this?! Why is there a tower of beds in my bedchamber?” He snarled and one of the servants whimpered before responding.

“I-I’m sorry but the Regents said they wanted all of the competitors to get a good night’s sleep for tomorrow.” They scuttled out as Chai spluttered in disbelief and were long gone when he finally managed to howl that he wasn’t a competitor.

Chai reluctantly walked over to the pillar he’d been told to sleep on, eyeing the ladder to the top warily. Though he’d never admit it, Chai was terrified of heights. He doubted that he’d be able to stomach climbing halfway up it, much less sleeping up there. 

Sighing, Chai resigned himself to a cold, hard night on the floor.

***

“Forthwright,” Antioch needled, “please. I want to be there, in the room, at the table when my brother identifies his bride. Please.”

I paused. It was, I supposed, not that big of a deal save for the fact that my wretched relative would be there and I wished to deal with neither him nor that stalker-ish hag Giana. Couldn’t she see I was trying to beat the cowardice out of my damsel-in-distress of an apprentice?

Seriously, Antioch wasn’t even a girl and he’d chosen to follow me after I killed the idiot’s parents. If the stupid prince was in any kind of distress, it was trouble he’d brought onto himself.

The airhead whimpered at my silence and I finally let out an exasperated sigh. Well, he’d done better with bar-brawling than I’d expected, and the over-the-shoulder flips required a little more muscle mass than he had right now, so I supposed I could reward him a little.

“Fine, you useless lump of lard. We can go and sit at the table while your equally spineless baby brother picks a bride.” I groaned when my worthless student nearly cried in glee and threw himself at my feet. Then I smirked as I had an idea. Oh, my spineless idiot would be crying for real at my feet at this news!

Smugly, I knelt and patted his head affectionately. He beamed at me, like the eager-to-please puppy he really was. “But in return you must do me one favor: sit between me and that frog-ish wannabe-princess you call a cousin.” I watched, filled with a malicious kind of glee, as my good-for-nothing student’s face fell and he began to weep in horror. I let him beg for mercy for a few minutes longer before I patted his head once more and stood.

“We will be arriving late to breakfast, so be grateful for the last few minutes of peace you have left.” I told him, and then sighed as Antioch started crying again, this time in relief. I made a mental note to lecture him on the importance of not being sappy, emotional fools in our line of work. Although…

I glanced at the clock and smiled. It was not a nice smile. We had enough time to get through the majority of the lecture, and what wasn’t finished could always be said on the way to the table.

We did not, in fact, have enough time to finish the lecture before we reached the dining hall, but I was able to hiss the final warning as we sat. Evidently my student had taken my words to heart for as soon as she finished pushing the previous inhabitant of Antioch’s chair onto the ground, the irritating noblewoman asked her ‘beloved’ why his face was so blank.

As proud as I was for him not showing any inappropriate emotion, a single expressionless face in a crowd draws more attention than a hundred angry ones. It seems that I would need to lecture him again on the fine art of suppressing one’s emotions.

I watched silently as Princess Raya and my wretched relative walked in, and noticed that in stark contrast to the rest of the candidates they didn’t look very well rested. For a moment I pondered on the reason why, and then smirked as I recalled that the final test required them to spend the night on a pillar of fifty mattresses.

I repressed a laugh at the idea of what Chai’s face must have looked like when he saw what he’d have to sleep on. Cousin dearest had always been terribly afraid of heights, something which was admittedly my fault along with the mud in his hair, the frogs in his bed, and the rumor that he’d made a deal with a little man to give away his first-born child. Oh, what a vindictive little brat I’d been, back in the good old days.

Judging by the glare he was giving me, Chai clearly had some notion of what I was remembering and had yet to forgive me for any of it.

Finally, the servants brought the food in, and we turned our attention to our plates. After a few minutes of silence, during which we all ate quietly, the rotund Archduke cleared his throat loudly. He then asked if the contestants had slept well. There was a chorus of agreements, before Princess Raya sniffed angrily.

“Well! I don’t know how you plebeians could sleep well at all, that column was so uncomfortable! I tossed and turned, and writhed and wriggled all night long, and all the while there was something digging into my back!” She turned to glare at the Regents. “Clearly your bedding arrangements were subpar. I expected better of you.” She sniffed again angrily, before returning to her meal.

I supposed I could understand the awkwardness of sleeping on top of a massive flagstone, but really, there fifty mattresses in between her and the rock. She shouldn’t have been able to feel it, and she certainly didn’t have to be such a brat about it.

“And you, a—Chai?” To any careful listener, Arctis the wuss’s voice was positively love-struck. For a moment I was stumped, having not realized the substitute crown prince swung that way. Then I almost burst out laughing when I realized that cousin dearest’s tendency to dress in formal robes and a traditional braid had probably gotten him mistaken for a girl.

Oh, this was rich! I couldn’t wait until they realized that my wretched relative was a man! The look on his face would be priceless!

“I slept terribly as well, Your Highness, for you see I—” Before he could finish, Arctis jumped up out of his seat and fell to his knees at Chai’s side, grabbing one of his hands as he did so.

“My true love! Marry me please, for you have passed all four of the princess tests: the poem, the dinner, the horse, and the bed! What do you say, my angel?!” He exclaimed, batting adoring eyes at a horrified Chai.

Vaguely, I registered the fact that my stupid puppy’s mask had slipped into a shocked look and Chai was spluttering incoherently, but I was too busy memorizing the stricken look on his face to care.

Finally, he seemed to gather his wits and jumped to his feet, ripping his hand away from Arctis’s grasp as he did so. “I…you…I am not a girl! I am Lord Chai, nephew and ambassador of the Yokonan Emperor! I came here to ask for-for Lady Giana’s hand in marriage for my cousin, Lonyin the Heir of the Empire of Yokona! Who, may I add, is sitting right there! I did not come to participate in the contest because I don’t qualify!” He howled, one finger pointed accusingly at me.

For a split second, everyone was frozen as they processed this information. I myself was stone-still, momentarily in shock at the sound of my long-abandoned birth name. Then the toad pseudo-princess hauled herself to her feet, face purpling in her rage.

“How dare you?! I’m betrothed to Prince Antioch! I’m not going to marry that-that…that criminal that stole my bridegroom away from me!” She shrieked back, and Chai looked faintly shocked at the shrillness of her voice.

My mind raced. Antioch and I needed to leave now, but I could already see my cousin turning to me. I flicked through plan after plan, discarding them seconds after I thought of them. After a moment, I decided to say something so out-of-character and startling that he and the lady hag would stop short in shock, similar to how everyone else had.

I grabbed my apprentice’s arm and yanked him to his feet even as I slipped to mine. “I,” I said with as much sincerity and volume as I could, “am secretly a woman and have been married to Antioch for the past three hundred years!” Before anyone could get their wits back, either from Chai’s revelation, mine, or the impossibility of a twenty-year-old saying that, I whipped around and lunged out of the dining hall, dragging Antioch along with me.

***

In the end, Raya and Arctis married. Raya lived happily ever after with her true love, and Arctis lived considerably less happy with his marriage. The Grand duchess Aliya and the Archduke Hamison lived another happy twenty years together, pleased with the knowledge that they’d given their beloved nephew a happy marriage, before they died simultaneously in agony at the realization that they’d failed to do the same for their more treasured progeny. Giana did not live happily ever after, as she spent her time pining for her lost love instead of finding a new husband. Chai moved to an isolated mountain estate and lived there in peace, save for the days that he had visitors and all of the memories of the humiliation of the princess trials came rushing back to him. Antioch and Forthwright lived happily ever after together, provided that Giana wasn’t around, Antioch didn’t mess up too badly, and Forthwright’s birth name was never mentioned.

The End.


End file.
